‘Cause like. I was told growing up that nature had stuck me with this body and with testosterone and there was nothing I could do about it. But I am doing something about it! And my hormonal composition feels right, and my body becomes more and more right every day, and it’s just… so cool :D
Damn Alyssa! This is great. I was having a bad day this morning, but this is something important to remember, especially when I feel like I’ll never fit in and feel “normal”.
It is a wonderful point of view. I’ll have to keep it in mind in those darker moments. :)
I remember this somedays, its a really nice feeling.
Yeah, I’ve had my eyes open up and realized that transmisogyny from trans men really is a problem. I think a lot of trans men don’t realize it, and don’t want to admit it because since we face cissexism too it’s hard to admit that we actually have male privilage also. I like it when I hear narratives from trans women for a change after endless trans man submissions, because it’s nice to remember it isn’t just us. You can message me if you ever just want someone to talk to, we can escape cissexism together :)
The truth is, that your real body is the gender you aspire to be. The problem was that the machines made an error in your code, and despite thorough debugging, it managed to slip through. So you appear as the incorrect gender in the matrix, but don’t worry, your real body is correct ;)
When I see Panties and Boobs, I just Think… “Why were you born with them? Why couldn’t I be born with them? Look at what your doing, revealing such a gift. Why couldn’t that be me? Why did God make me this way? Why did he give you the gift and me the curse?” I just lose all hope. I just need to dress. I haven’t dressed since I came out. Why? Why am I not to be acknowledged who I am? Your out there being nude and I’m here Wishing I wasn’t Alive! I’m just so lost. I’ll ask my sister tomorrow to take me to the therapist Friday, cause I have Friday off… I’ll just ask her now.
Good Night Loves, Keep Up Life, Even When It Seems Hopeless
This isnt a proper length post, so no picture, but I want a hug so much right now. I want someone to hold me and protect me and actually just care enough to be here with me. Maybe its the estrogen, or maybe its just that I’m sick of being alone. I always have to be strong and hope things will improve, but I’m sick of it. I want somebody to be strong for me, even if just for a few minutes.
“This is what I ask to anyone who is questioning. If you could wake up tomorrow as your chosen gender, no responsibility on yourself for being that way, would you prefer it over being your current gender?
Your desire to be your chosen gender is the only question you need to ask yourself. If you would be happier as your chosen gender, transition. If you would prefer to remain in your old body as your current gender, then don’t. Simple as that.”—
Today is about the 32nd day of hormones (and I’m loving it) but I’ve been thinking a lot about the whole thing today. But especially about all the childhood experiences I’ll never get to have as a girl. I know I shouldn’t be complaining, I’m transitioning younger than most I’d imagine, but I had a pretty boring childhood. There was nothing wrong with it really, it just isn’t the one I wish I had. All the friends I could have made, all the stuff I could have experienced that I won’t get a chance to now. I spent my whole childhood wanting to be someone else.
But I think this is messing with me now, because I don’t think I’ve grown up like everyone else around me has. Everyone I know goes out drinking, clubbing, working, going to uni.. I don’t do any of that. Lots of them have significant others, or have at least tried. I should mention that most of these people are my age, or just a little bit older, like a few months only. It feels like without the childhood I wanted, I can’t grow up. As well as that, I don’t think I want to grow up yet either. My life hasn’t moved at all in the last 3 years up until now, it was completely wasted time, and I hate that. I don’t want this to be my childhood, a long string of wasted time and depression.
I don’t know what really defines being an adult, I guess most people would say its a certain age, probably 18. But I really doubt that will change anything for me at all. I’m not much different than I was when I turned 13, and isn’t that supposed to be some sort of transitional period as well? I’m kind of hoping that at the end of my transition, maybe I’ll finally be able to move on, but really why should that be any different.. If I had it my way, that would be the start of my real childhood, but it’s far too late for that now.
I don’t want to accept that I’ll never get the childhood I wanted. I would say most other people got theirs, so why can’t I? Did I do something wrong that I can’t remember? This is my punishment for that? Now everyone has moved on, I’m left alone. Like always. I fear that I’ll always be a child, even if childhood has long since passed me by. Transition doesn’t bug me much, I mean its so much work for the end result and I don’t see why I have to do it, but I think I’ll cope. It isn’t the transition, its the fact that I lose all those years up until now.
My breasts have been growing recently, they hurt a lot and I love it, but my friend tells me how I’m ‘becoming a woman’ and that just doesn’t feel like the truth. I’m not a woman, this isn’t making me one either, I’m a girl. One day maybe I will actually grow up, and I look forward to this day, but I think I need to have something, anything to show for my childhood before I can do that.
Oh and you can call me Danielle, it seems like that name is going to stick.
Depression is humiliating. It turns intelligent, kind people into zombies who can’t wash a dish or change their socks. It affects the ability to think clearly, to feel anything, to ascribe value to your children, your lifelong passions, your relative good fortune. It scoops out your normal healthy ability to cope with bad days and bad news, and replaces it with an unrecognizable sludge that finds no pleasure, no delight, no point in anything outside of bed. You alienate your friends because you can’t comport yourself socially, you risk your job because you can’t concentrate, you live in moderate squalor because you have no energy to stand up, let alone take out the garbage. You become pathetic and you know it. And you have no capacity to stop the downward plunge. You have no perspective, no emotional reserves, no faith that it will get better. So you feel guilty and ashamed of your inability to deal with life like a regular human, which exacerbates the depression and the isolation.
Depression is humiliating.
If you’ve never been depressed, thank your lucky stars and back off the folks who take a pill so they can make eye contact with the grocery store cashier. No one on earth would choose the nightmare of depression over an averagely turbulent normal life.
It’s not an incapacity to cope with day to day living in the modern world. It’s an incapacity to function. At all. If you and your loved ones have been spared, every blessing to you. If depression has taken root in you or your loved ones, every blessing to you, too.
Depression is humiliating.
No one chooses it. No one deserves it. It runs in families, it ruins families. You cannot imagine what it takes to feign normalcy, to show up to work, to make a dentist appointment, to pay bills, to walk your dog, to return library books on time, to keep enough toilet paper on hand, when you are exerting most of your capacity on trying not to kill yourself. Depression is real. Just because you’ve never had it doesn’t make it imaginary. Compassion is also real. And a depressed person may cling desperately to it until they are out of the woods and they may remember your compassion for the rest of their lives as a force greater than their depression. Have a heart. Judge not lest ye be judged.”—